Welcome back to a brand-new year. Wow, are you excited or what? Kat and Emily should be – considering I didn’t crush them for their guest host jokes in my absence.
Kat: unlike Greg when he sits in this chair, I don’t need a booster right now// Kat: that’s right, a cultural reference that is newer than 40 years old – you won’t get that with Greg Gutfeld // Emily: is Greg tied up naked with duct tape over his mouth dumped in the girl’s locker room? Wait no, that was him in high school // Emily: do you think that Greg is missing us right now? Should we call him gigantic Greg from now on? Kat: I will not be
Jerks. Yeah, so while they were yakking it up at my expense, I spent the last 8 days in one bed. I usually prefer eight different beds each night like Wilt Chamberlain. But I was sick.
While I tested negative on covid, I tested positive on everything else. Pretty sure I had the flu, the cold, zika, Ebola. But what do you expect when you borrow one of Michael Loftus’ jackets? That thing harbors more bacteria than a port authority toilet.
But thank God I made it through, and I wouldn’t miss it for the world! Because what a year we have planned. I’m an optimist, and I see great things again. And not just when I look in the mirror.
And the best sign — watching the legacy media realize they’re screwed. And you know things are bad in 2022, when they’re still reliving 2021. Here they are, gearing up for their version of “conflict Christmas,” otherwise known as January 6th. 2.0.
Yes, it’s as if the only thing that can save their crippled cable network, is the ghost of presidents past, Santa Trump. See there’s a bit of an informal network of reporters, who’ve been through it that day, and are still coping with that, leaning on each other, talking to each other!
Rolling Stone’s Hunter Walker, “Reliable Sources,” Sunday: There’s a bit of an informal network of reporters who’ve been through it that day, and are still coping with that, who are leaning on each other and talking to each other … we’re all still dealing with that and feeling like we need to convey to others how serious it was
Yes, because no one thought it was serious, you jackasses. Please. Everyone thought it sucked, but unlike you, they’re not trying to turn a profit off it. But oh, our nation’s brave journalists are still “processing” it — like it was a price surge in responsibly-raised chicken.
Yes, they’re taking a riot — where the only unnatural death was from a cop shooting an unarmed woman — and making it out to be worse than 9/11. And it hurts that “they’re still coping,” while everyone saw it for what it was: an ugly event that came and went. But CNN can’t let go. They need to convey to others how serious it was… For them, the real victims. And why? Because reporting what actually happened didn’t scare enough people. And much like Loftus’s body spray — the ginned-up hysteria has long worn off.
So what’s left for CNN — besides a ‘To Catch a Predator” reboot? Create a distraction. Look at this guy wearing a Viking hat. He’s part of the unarmed insurrection that no one has been charged with insurrection for. He’s so scary, he needed a Halloween costume. But yeah, it’s the journalists who are the real victims here.
Brian Stelter, “Reliable Sources,” Sunday: Grace, you wrote for “Poynter” at the end of January last year, you said, sometimes I’m fine. Sometimes I want to sob for hours. Sometimes I just want to sleep. So, that sounds to me like trauma. That sounds like PTSD. Do you feel like you still experience that? // The New Republic’s Grace Segers: I do think so to a certain extent // Stelter: Hunter, is that true for you as well? // Walker: you know, well, I had an experience in my life with a really bad car accident where I was diagnosed with PTSD. // and I have been really grateful for this as I’ve been dealing with January 6th. // Stelter: to know the signs of PTSD. // Walker: exactly. Because I had been through treatment, you know, I knew what it is
Yes, they’re all suffering from PTSD, a disorder usually experienced by veterans and actual violent crime victims — you know, the people whose complaints the press normally ignores. If these journalists are victims, then so is Jussie Smollett. They’re hoaxing a hate crime against themselves, and yet there they are, demanding compassion – something that was strangely missing when dozens of Americans were dying in the riots that they, the media, ignored. Back when everything was mostly peaceful. They hid those violent details like the secret service hides Biden’s car keys.
So the media now appropriates the pain of real victims. Just like when they blamed the terror attack in Waukesha on an SUV. They certainly didn’t feel this way when violence rampaged through nearly two dozen major cities led by liberals. Perhaps it’s because they were far removed from the destruction they papered over.
See — that’s why it’s the soldiers who get PTSD –- not the people who sent them to war. But you can’t blame them for trying — the polling has shown the country moved on from CNN’s latest fetish, at least the only one that’s legal.
Yes, the public sees the Republicans moving in the right direction, while it’s the Dems who keep sinking like an iPhone dropped in a toilet. Now – I don’t know if the Republicans have any answers — since when do any politicians these days? Like the Maroon Five catalog, I pretty much hate them all. But anything is better than what the Dems are serving.
It’s 2021 dressed up as 2022. Inflation, Covid, Crime. It’s a bottomless pit with spikes at the bottom. And that explains CNN going all in on January 6th. And you can see right through it, like a Miley Cyrus tube top. It’s all so obvious.
Maybe January 6th will be the diversion we need to save us from our own casual dismissal of the suffering incurred under Democrat rule in 2021. Maybe if we focus on January 6th, America won’t look at every single day other than that — where CNN dismissed your pain as deserved, where victims of persecution deserved it, and where law enforcement was worse than the thugs they tried to protect you from.
Meanwhile, they covered for the screwed-up anchors, their political relatives, and their deviant producers. In 2021, CNN did more covering up of the news than actual covering of the news. So I get it — for CNN, January 6th is the real Christmas.
Skit of Joe DeVito giving Emily Compagno a January 6th gift
So blame, anger, hysteria, division — they all make great stocking stuffers. And CNN’s Santa is here to say that it’s you who are naughty — and them who are nice.
Piece of advice — don’t sit on his lap.
This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s opening monologue on the January 3, 2022 edition of “Gutfeld!”
Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel’s (FNC) Gutfeld! (weekdays 11PM/ET) and co-host of The Five (weekdays 5PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor. He is author of the new book, “The Plus: Self-Help for People Who Hate Self-Help.” Click here for more information on Greg Gutfeld.